In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
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Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Jurassic park gets weird
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I love wikipedia
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION