In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
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MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.