In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
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blocked.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?