In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
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My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
“You’d better run, egg!”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.