In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
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I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.