Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
You Might Also Like
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
When you let grandma cat sit
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
At least he brought enough for everyone
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.