In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
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My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Me, in DM rooms…
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.