Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
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me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Every damn time
I feel like one of these would kill a European
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs