[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
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I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Life with a cat in one tweet
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?