[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING