In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
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You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]