In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
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Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.