Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
You Might Also Like
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Just a reminder, folks:
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*