In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
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If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Squirrels before girls.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Dammit Chief not again
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!