@BatBatshitcrazy: In the summer there's only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [Arguing with a guy over who's tougher] *takes toothpick from mouth* "When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce."
@GrrrRach: I've spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can't find his nuggets.
@iwearaonesie: wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
@daemonic3: Her: *puts cherry stem in mouth *pulls it out with a knot *winks Him: *puts earbuds in pocket *pulls it out with 5 knots *doesn't get laid