In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
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Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Help Wanted
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”