Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
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[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf