[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
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doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Breaking news:
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?