Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
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Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
HERE’S MARKY
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark