The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
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My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
They’re called werewolves.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.