Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
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Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice