In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
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Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.