@WildeThingy: In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
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@TheMichaelRock: Day 2 of the government shutdown: we’re hunting for food in a national park. Ripped mattress tags are everywhere. It’s total chaos.
@kimlockhartga: Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet "cheat days" and call them Ashley Madisons.
@AaronFullerton: Actors can get political in speeches if they want. Go for it. But imagine someone winning Wimbledon & going, "Yay! I won! Save the whales!"
@trojansauce: KID: are you sure this will work? ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?