In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
You Might Also Like
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.