In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
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My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Somebody’s lying.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.