Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
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I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Finally!
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.