The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
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Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
A choir of Spring onions
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t