[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
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Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections