In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
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‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
everyone’s a critic
is this how new cars are made??
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are