In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
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If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.