her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
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My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
The happy life.. 😊
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?