@duckpuppet: In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature
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@XplodingUnicorn: 1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly* Me: Why is she so loud? Wife: That’s how she talks. Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
@DaHess1: If bank website ads have taught me anything it's that white people love drinking coffee as they pay bills online in an empty loft apartment.
@simoncholland: Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it's already on? Stop talking in secret code.