Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
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Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
dictator is short for richard potato
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right