In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
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Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Become a minion. Get that bread.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”