“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
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[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens