Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
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Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
You’ll be OK
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome