@Carrie_Rachel: In this era of excessive exclamation point use, punctuating a text with a period is the quickest and simplest way to cause concern.
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@MomofTeen: When emails tell me to "Act Now!," I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
@Awk0Tacoo: It's really hard to explain that your eyes are really red from allergies and not weed when you're buying cupcakes and a pound of Doritos.
@thejamietighe: Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body. Who's ready for music? Not you. You have tetanus
@Bownuggets: Some say I've "gone off the rails," or "left the reservation," or "screwed the pooch," or "mixed my metaphors," or "launched the hot dog"