Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
japanese corn
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
crazy
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.