@DowntimeDad: I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn't poop their pants.

@joeljeffrey: [buying treadmill] Me: Can I try it out first? Salesperson: Sure Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

@DothTheDoth: The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

@sageboggs: *spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

@XplodingUnicorn: I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.