In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
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WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat