SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
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That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I’ve had relationships like this
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
🤣🤣🤣
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam