In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
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Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
step 6: release the wall snake
Holy shit he’s back
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff