In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
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Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town