@SIGKILL: in which a Twitter developer finally discovers Twitter
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@clindsaysway: We got a tornado warning, and I'm too scared to open my windows. Don't want any sharks in my house.
@brucepoontip: If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
@Heather2go: Rules to live by: 1. Be kind to strangers 2. Don't cheat on your taxes 3. Everything in moderation 4. Bury the body at sea
@RobElliottComic: Top Gun was so unrealistic Everyone knows Tom Cruise can't reach the clutch on a motorcycle