In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
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Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS