In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
You Might Also Like
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
#DesignFail
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.