My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
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Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
This why you should mind your business
🦝🔥🦝🔥
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.