Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
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nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?