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[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter