@TodaysResume: Include a snapshot of Doge the dog with your #resume. When asked about it during the interview, reply "What do you meme?"
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@littlelady899: But were you called "dream wife" on the internet today? Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.
@cluedont: Why does my wife always wait until I'm at the opposite end of the house before asking me to 'Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!'?
@BoogTweets: 911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can't arrest an auto flush toilet. Me: I WASNT READY
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.