My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
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[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Nice try, NASA
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*