INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
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Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
when you don’t want to be too vague
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz