INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
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Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
White parent Vs Arab parents
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Me recordaron éste meme
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.