Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
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Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW