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found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.