Incredible customer service.
You Might Also Like
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
fixed it
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.